We named our party play list daddy issues
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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