I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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