Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
