just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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