saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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