Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
