I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
