Barsexuality is the new black.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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