the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
