Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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