update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
