Apparently you make a good broom.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
