If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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