I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
