____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
