I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
