just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm both gender and math confused
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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