It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
