Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
soo... how was my night?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
