new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
