That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize