He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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