Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
