you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
