I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Ladies don't puke and tell
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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