I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
