Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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