My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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