i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
