There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize