Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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