So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
