Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
