Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
