are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
