I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
