I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
