I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
