ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
