My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize