I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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