You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
