I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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