I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
