Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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