His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
