if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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