Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
