Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
