Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
