Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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