I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
