Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
