i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
