One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
