I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
