Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
