Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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