Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
