I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
