You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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